Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Welcome, Autumn

My head hurts and my body aches. Trying to decide if it's just the pressure changes of the continuous waves of cold fronts, because those are a guaranteed sinus headache for me, or if those are just compounding an onset of depression. I SOSOSO do not want to go on antidepressants again. I'm terrified of them, truth be told, and not convinced that they work well enough to be worth it. But therapy? Difficult at best. We'll see.

I've missed putting together my meager little blog posts, but I have so precious little time lately. And I lost access to the laptop I was using while I nursed Gigi in The Blue Chair. Not really possible to blog at my husband's filthy crumb-caked desk in this creaky dump-me-on-the-floor-any-day-now chair with a 3 month old hanging off my titty. Speaking of which, breastfeeding is such a blessing... and I'm slowly becoming disillusioned with it, which upsets me. I'm sore. Too sore to hold my enormous 14 lb Amazon baby in a comfortable position without significant discomfort from the pressure. I'm exhausted. I can't take a break without pumping and I can't pump without losing sleep. I'm starving. Can't seem get enough to eat, and would gnaw off my right arm for a big glass of milk, but that would upset Gigi's stomach, not that she hasn't been fussy as a beast for nearly 2 weeks now anyway. But I can't give up after what I went through to make it happen in the first place... and we can afford formula like we can afford our groceries right now, which is to say, almost not at all.

And while I'm pouring out bitch and bile, can I just say how frustrating men are? I love my husband but he infuriates me. Everything seems like his fault lately and despite how horridly unfair that obviously is, I can't stop feeling it. I tell myself it's not true and wait until he spends a day working on the bathroom and playing with our son and everything is better, and have a nice long talk with him so that we feel like friends again, and ...then he needs a big fat money order by Thursday for his probation officer when our bank account is already in the red, and he spends a 14 hr day on his laptop and cellphone working on the day he requested off so that he could help me with the kids, and he wakes me up at 1:30 am in the middle of the only period of the night that Gigi lets me sleep more than 2 hrs straight asking if he can grope me while he rubs one out.

The baby is crying. Hitting the Publish Post button and walking away to cry with her. Maybe I'll post again in a better mood.


At 3:53 PM , Blogger Ria said...

So sorry you're having a hard time with the baby and all. Hopefully things will start looking up as she gets a bit bigger. The first 6 months or so is why I only had 1 kid. Hated it - really hated it. NOt post partum or depressed about it, I just hated dealing/caring for a newborn infant. ( I loved my daughter didn't hate her don't get me wrong) I couldn't breastfeed it just grossed me out. I know it's better for the baby, I just couldn't. I think all men can be clueless sometimes, especially in their estimation of how much energy taking care of an infant - even bottle feeding.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.



Post a Comment

<< Home