Thoughts on the Tick

Very personal and a little disturbing here and there. Please understand.

Just sitting and looking at him is a weird experience. People say "it can't be described" and "you'll find out how much you can really love" and extreme sentimental stuff like that, but honestly, it's just weird most of the time. I mean, I'd do anything for him; I can tell you that already. And when he smiles, it just melts me. And yeah, sometimes when he's gazing up at me with those big baby eyes I get those rushes of thoughts: "Completely innocent, doesn't know anything about the world or people and I'm going to teach him" "I'm responsible for this little life" "I'll take care of you and love you forever" and the lovey dovey stuff is really heavy during those moments. It's like he's a little angel that got sent down just for me. But most of the time, I'm looking at him and thinking, "God, what have I gotten myself into??" and "I really really hope I'm cut out for this."

This morning, in the wee hours, I realized I hadn't planned ahead because I'm used to Will making sure that the bottles are in the dishwasher and enough are made for the night, etc etc and I spent the 3am and 5am sleeptimes between feedings cleaning the kitchen, loading the dishwasher, and making bottles. And when, after I'd dragged myself to bed at around 6:30 or so, Tick woke up hungry at 7, and I was struggling with the bottlewarmer with one hand and he was bucking like a bronco in my other arm while crying, I got madder and madder and suddenly got the urge to shake him til he shut up and stayed still, and it about floored me. Course that made me cry and getting that bottle done and into him was even harder, but holy shit. You hear about people doing that and brain damaging their babies and I always thought, "How could someone DO that??" I guess the lack of sleep and the unignorable demands and the stress you feel when the baby's crying and you just can't move fast enough... it adds up and some people have a hard time not acting on urges like that. That I could even feel the urge made me feel AWFUL. I felt like digging a hole and dying from the guilt. It was a rough morning, and Ana woke up with a migraine or something at 11 and went back to bed til 2, so it was a really loooong, rough morning. Thank God she felt better after that and helped me with ALL the bottle stuff the rest of the day so all I had to do was change diapers and I even got a 3 hr nap and a shower.

But I figure it'll get easier. Will's been spoiling me, being around to help when I get desperate, and he's going back to work on Monday and I'll be alone at home all day from now on. I'll have to learn to do all of it, and get a little rest and showers etc at the same time. Somehow. I'm not sure how yet, but moms do this all the time. So can I.